Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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