I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
