New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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