I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
