I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
