Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
