We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
