The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
