So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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