Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
