I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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