Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
