I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
