I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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