The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
