Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
