i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
