boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I pour the whiskey from now on
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
