Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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