He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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