I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
