We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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