I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
