My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You're breaking my sexual little heart
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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