Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My vagina is very pro this idea
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
