Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
