Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize