I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
