She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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