she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize