he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
