Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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