I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize