wat bout pragnant strippers??
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
