so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
