I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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