Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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