I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
