I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
