Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
