Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
