I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
