i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
