I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize