I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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