How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
