Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
