Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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