I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
