Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize