someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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