i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
