Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
