he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
