I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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