I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
