Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
