I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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