hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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