Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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