You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
