dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize