There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
