I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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