My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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