mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
