i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
