i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
