He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
