The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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