I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
