i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
